I found through Sarah's blog a neat little thing about Reverb10.. which charges you to “reflect on your year and manifest what’s next.” And just like Sarah, it sounded interesting enough that I’m going to give it a go. There’s a different prompt every day. And also like Sarah I reserve the right to combine multiple days into one post (so that my blog doesn’t become just another internet meme) or skip prompts entirely. Here we go…and yes, this one is for yesterday...
First Part: Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word.
I have generally always marched to my own drum, but if I really looked closely at say, the past 8-10 years, and more specifically the last 3, I had indeed lost a bit of myself. From times of just trying to be someone I wasn't (of course I didnt know who I was really due to the 'fog' I was in for about 4 of the past 10. Then came running and I started to find my way a bit...and having to deal with things/situations without that 'fog' was a bit overwhelming. I was learning, albeit not very well, how to deal with not only the things/situations but the emotions that go along with it. I always used a 'mask' to make those go away.
Then came a few years of completely losing myself; being what I now call pyschotic in some degree/form because I was a walking bipolar/passive agressive without the diagnosis from a Dr. and prescribed meds. That was the hardest thing, especially in 2009, to want to find my 'mask' and bring back the 'fog'...but knowing full well if I did 'slip' up it could very well be the one time I don't survive it. Was the risk worth the 'reward'? No.
So due to some late end of year (2009) things, and working through those in my head and my heart I started 2010 off with a clear head and a clear heart. I finally found peace with who I was on the inside and that for the most part the outside didn't really matter (still working on that one, but I am better).
I learned throughout the year that I am a stronger person than I ever gave myself credit for. I learned that I have so much to give, and just never had the courage to do that. I learned that its ok if my drum isn't in sync with anyone elses. I quit 'doing' things because this circle or that circle of people/friends were doing it.
I quit trying to fit in. I never felt so liberated in my life once I decided so what if you don't like this or that...or you talk about me when I am not around...I figured out that I don't really care about the small stuff...and what is small to you might be huge to me...and vice versa.
I also quit pretending or being 'tolerant'. Meaning I quit pretending to like something (and in a lot of cases, someone) just because it was by everyone else or because someone friended me on FB or what-not. Or going here, there or wherever because 'everyone else is doing it'.
2010 has been about me fiiiiiiiiiiinally coming into my own. My own thoughts. My own actions. My own desires.
My own life. No one elses. Just. Mine. Finding my way.
Second Part: Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?