Monday, August 22, 2011

Let's Just Beat The Dead Horse Why Don't We?

I know that this has been a topic here on my blog a few times (all located under the Marathon Woes tab), but when I saw SUAR's blog post last night about it, and the fact that I am going through that 'shit, I cant stop eating, and I look horrible' stage of marathon training, and that yesterday I started back on the 'nothing foreign or icky is passing through these lips' and 'thou shalt not eat 16 hours a day' stage of marathon training, I found it ... well ... timely.

Gaining Weight While Marathon Training?  WTF?

and also this:

Disordered Eating and the Female Runner  (also something that I am very aware I have issues with, and seems to be harder to fight as I get a bit older)

As a long time Biggest Loser fanatic, I remember when Jillian went all cray-cray on Darius, but even before she did, I sat there saying (out loud I might add):  "he is going to gain weight".  And sho nuff.  Poor Darius.

As a side note, I was thrilled but yet still shocked that they did away with the Biggest Loser marathon this past season.  They really were pissing off a lot of runners with their approach and delivery of it through their producers.  And the cheating part to get that money shot that one year?  Tragic.

So while I have not been on a scale, there is no need for me to do that.  I can feel it.  I know that I need to drop a few lbs and that is exactly what is going to happen.  I do not need to eat every time I am hungry because lets face it, I am hungry all the damn time.  And yes, I get enough of this, that and the other.  However, there have been way too many 'treats' lately and that stopped immediately.  It was really difficult at the store yesterday where cookies, candy, bagels and every other known bad carb is within your reach no matter what part of the store you are in.  Damn runners and their food everywhere!  :O)  I was glad that we were so damn busy thanks to tax free weekend, that no one wanted (or had time for) pizza as they asked if we wanted food brought in.

I ate before I headed in to the store, and it did the trick, so when asked about pizza, I said no.  I stayed on track through the evening even though I wanted to so badly go have froyo or get ice cream from the store across the street.  Instead I ate canteloupe (that was indeed yummy but still...)

I had my cereal at home this morning (not the best option but it was quick and I needed to get to the tire place) and then had some protein there in the form of boiled egg while I waited.  I am determined to stick to this regimen, allowing for a cheat now and then, but not every damn day!  :O)  I have got to get my body fueled properly like I was doing so well on up until about a month ago if I had to guess the time frame.

I know that there shouldn't be any 'fat talk' or comparisons to others, but I come from a long history of body image issues, and it just doesn't go away as simple as that.  Its definitely better, but the last couple of days its been a bit more in the forefront that I would like to admit.

Funny enough that yesterday at the store, after I had made my own resolutions, a person came into the store that almost 2 years ago now, really sent me into a tailspin.  By that I mean that her presence and the 'part' she played in my life at the time, made me feel the most defeated...the most horrible...and that I could and never would be able to live up to 'her'.  It took me a while to realize that it wasn't just her, or mostly her even, that that had made me feel that badly about myself.  She was only a small piece whereas the reality of it was that I had been made to feel that way over and over again leading up to that.

So when I saw her yesterday, with her seemingly perfect man, in her seemingly perfect body, in her seemingly perfect unmade up face, looking stunning, I felt a bit of "God I am pathetic.  I'm ugly.  I'm fat".  When I confided in my friend there at work, she looked at me like I was crazy, and said to me "JunieB, you know its not her right?  It was [insert 3rd person].  You are just as awesome as she is."  I still stood there and tried to find some flaw...some apparent visible flaw...and it kind of made me ashamed of that.

Yeah, thats all fine and dandy, but it wasn't just that one person, I have found myself comparing me to quite a few others.  Others, who in my mind, have better discipline, work out more, run faster, run name it.

So the first thing that comes to my mind, and shouldn't is for me to work on the discipline part.  Not to the unhealthy stage of that, but nonetheless, it is time to reel it in a bit.  As I sit here typing this, I just had my lunch (early) and I am still hungry as all get out.  Even though if you saw the volume of said lunch, you wouldn't be able to comprehend why I am still starving.

I am caught somewhere in this middle ground ... somewhere between my body screaming for more and my mind yanking back on the reins forbiding it until the scheduled next time. 

And to be honest, its not that I want more food.  I want different food.  Fatty food.  Salty food.  Food with cheese.

Someone help me out here!  I need to know that I am not alone!  Do you gain weight while training?  Do you want to eat non-stop?  How do you curb those cravings or desires?  Do you watch Biggest Loser?  Have you ever found yourself not liking yourself or putting too much pressure on yourself because of someone else and the way they may look or the way possibly your significant other has looked at someone else?


Anonymous said...

JB, you need to quit beating yourself over that situation and all the ones leading up to it in that farce of a relationship. Did you ever stop to think that just because he treated you like crap that it didn't mean you ARE crap? That he was treating you like that because he was a lousy crappy person? And from what I understand 'she' was better than that too, and tossed him to the side after she used him for what she needed. Some people don't deserve half of what they think they are entitled to. And he is one of them.

Anonymous said...

Oh and no, I don't watch Biggest Loser. You shouldn't either. You already had the Biggest Loser out there. ;P

TX Runner Mom said...

Girl, between marathon training and tri training, I could eat a cow for dinner every day. Now that my marathon training mileage is cranking up, it's going to get even worse. I just re-evaluated my suggested caloric intake this morning and I'm determined to get my arse back on track. I need to lose weight before NYC, not gain! Ack, it's hard!

Lauren said...

This entry came at a graet time, I too am struggling with being a bottomless pit. I need to stop eating when I'm hungry too because literally I am always hungry even when I'm freaking eating. I could finish 3 slices of pizza and still think I'm "Hungry"... wtf.

Gaslight ;-) said...

Girl, you know I'm a head case when it comes to how I look. And I love food SO much. My diet is pretty darn healthy, but I overeat constantly. Like nearly every meal-even if I've gorged myself on organic gazpacho, white beans and brown rice. Wacko.
And the comparisons to others? I think it's inevitable is some situations. Just don't take it seriously.
I'm sure biggest loser is entertaining, but I don't know about this marathon and cheating of which you speak.
Miss seeing you often!