I have been trying to figure out exactly how to get some of my thoughts (and frustrations) out, and I truly hesitate putting this stuff here, but I have tried the talking with someone else about it…I have one person that I feel 100% comfortable with, and thankfully they listen without giving me ‘answers’ but either commiserates, or simply shakes their head so that I know they’re listening and that they understand that I don’t necessarily want or need solutions, but I just need someone to freaking listen…anyway, as I said I hesitate to put it on here, because I don't want this blog to become more about 'life drama' but to stay on course as it pertains to: running, healthy eating, pushing the limits past the comfortable place and shooting for the stars...
but...because therein lies a portion of my frustration. People that don’t understand, and even go so far as to either try and negate what you deem as ‘important’ to you with words, and in my particular case, with their actions. I have always been of the school where either “Talk is cheap” or “Actions speak louder than words.”
And you know, while ‘talk’ can cut you to the core, make your heart bleed, and just feel all around like a loser, it’s the actions (or lack thereof) that make one cry. At least that’s the case with me.
It would appear, at least in my case, that once you stray from the ‘norm’ of the herd, you find yourself on the outside looking in.
I know that I have my ‘purist’ ideals about food, running, health…and while yes, sometimes on this blog, and on my Facebook page, I might state this to such a degree that some may might feel ‘attacked’ for their choices, but that is not my intent. Nor is it my intent to alienate anyone by ‘appearing’ to be ‘above’ anyone else…I am not saying that my choices are the end all to be all. Believe I take issue with a lot of things, pet peeves if you will, but well...
Do I judge others for their choices? Yes, sometimes I do. But I would say that 99.9% of the time its for their own good.
Do I tell or ‘preach’ to them about it? Absolutely not.
I might put links to articles out there/on here and if you are so inclined, read the information. Take away from it what you will.
I am often asked about this, that or the other...how do I start running, how do I lose weight, how do I get faster...how long did it take you to do this, that or the other...and I love all of that...and I give advice where given and you know for the most part, I would say I see 98% interest and about 23% effort. And thats across the board of people I know... Whatever.
Not my deal man.
But this really doesn’t have to do with any of that I don’t think; or maybe it kind of does…What I have seen transpire over the past few months is apparent, and I accept that. It is what it is you know?
One of these things is no longer like the other(s).
And because of that, I, being the obvious ‘different’ one, whether because of my ideals, my choices, my goals as it pertains to running, my tenacity…well…anyway, I have spent way too much time ‘worrying’ about it all to be quite honest with you. I am tired of ‘pretending’ to fit in when its so clearly obvious that I no longer do. I equate this to almost like what I heard about forgiveness once...thats important to realize that dwelling on something only hurts you, because guaranteed the other person or persons is not losing any sleep over whatever it was...and I figure thats the case here...and makes it that much more sad to me...that people dont even realize how their actions affect others...and furthermore, dont give a flying rats ass either...
But I am also still very upset at the lack of ‘taste’ or class of some…I have a few pet peeves and it would seem, in this instance, that every single one of them has been hit.
This to me is simply unacceptable. And by that I mean general consideration of ones effort should not (and will not) be just completely ignored. I find it INCREDIBLY rude, classless … you name it.
I have always prided myself on surrounding myself with like-minded people (well maybe not always but that’s another post for another blog). I believe that there is strength in numbers…and I believe that when you are around ‘good’ people then things are indeed good. It took me a while to get to this, but at least I finally got there…
But even then, there seems to be more and more of an inclination to be that ‘lone wolf’…Even some of the like-mindeds and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things…so there again…I seem to gravitate towards one of two things…being that ‘lone wolf’ as I said, or go to the one thing (person) that … well … that at the end of the day knows me better than anyone out there … that listens. That understands. That has never, ever judged me…there may have been times where we didn’t see eye to eye, still are I suppose…but I have to say, that regardless of any of that, it’s the one place that I feel completely myself and un-alone.
Right now, I seem to be at a crossroads (neither really good)…I am on one hand, very hurt…so much so that it surprises even me…you know because I am the ‘stoic’ one…never rattled by such things…but that is where you would be wrong…I am not that person…not even close…on the exterior…yes…sometimes…
And on the other hand, I just feel lost…but mostly I am just hurt…
I wanted (needed) to get this out…and if anyone reads it, and knows of what I am talking about, don’t bother trying to ‘fix’ anything…you can’t.
And for those that are indeed close to me, if you feel a sense of ‘pulling away’ or anything along those lines, its just me … having a bit of a rough go of it right now … I wish I could say this is the only thing that is weighing heavy on me right now, but it isnt ... its really sad, that at the end of the day, I just don't trust a whole lot of people and/or their intentions ...
It's ok though. I have a plan in place and from here on out, if there is any doubt whatsoever about anyone 'in my life' and the reason for them being there, I will handle it the only way I know how that has worked in the past.
And I won't think twice about it either...