I remember from a very early age, hearing how my mom and dad would talk about my sisters weight (once she started gaining in her 20's)...I remember the time my mom would a) tell me to go get on this machine my Aunt Lorraine had that you put this wide belt around your hips/waist, flipped a switch and it would whittle you skinny...and b) the time she bought this 'contraption' somewhere that you hooked onto the door and there were these loops for your feet and hands to do these wacky exercises....yes...from a very early age I was either told outright or sublimily that I was fat.
And truth be told I was. Up until 9th grade. Add to that the fact that because I was fat (among other things) I didnt have a whole lot of friends. I had ONE friend in Junior High. And she was 'fluffy' too. So then I thought fat=no friends. These are the kinds of things that permeated my brain and to a big extent, still do. And for off and on in my adult life there were periods where I battled my weight and rightfully so...there were 3 times where I was indeed 'overweight'...at barely 5'2 its not hard to go into that category without even realizing it happened...
One week I can be completely OK with my body. Then there are those weeks where I look at photos of celebs (not the photoshopped ones) on sites like skinnyvscurvy and fitceleb and think...what exactly do I have to do to have that body? I am not talking about the youngsters, but good God when I see untouched photos of women like Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, just to name a few...I think...if only...ridiculous isnt it? I know.
If I had to label myself I suppose I would have to say I am a wee bit obsessed with the way my body looks. Yes I know its wrong and I hate the fat-talk that goes on in my head at least once a day. I compare myself to everyone it seems that I 'think' looks good, not to mention wonder 'am I as thin as that?' 'is she skinnier than I am?' I dont however find myself judging those that arent 'in shape'. Well thats not entirely true...I do sometimes but always ALWAYS when I see them being irresponsible with food. Especially when adults are doing to their children what obviously is a very bad choice...different subject. Different blog post.
Back to me... :O) ... Whenever I see a photo of myself e.g. a race, which lets face it are rarely 'good'...I cringe. I see bad angles, a down step which makes you look like your legs are made of cottage cheese...and then what makes it worse...is to see a race photo of someone else, where every single one of them looks amazing...that recently happened...and even now I get nauseous thinking about that...its just not fair...is it just me? Am I the only one that looks at my photo and thinks "God that is just gross..." ... I even try and zone in on some part of me in a picture that does look good, but the bad always wins... no matter what...
How does one overcome such negativity? I have no clue. I have tried not caring...Part of me, at this age, knows it will never go away I suppose...maybe its even worse; these thoughts of needing to look 'better'. Being 'older' I feel some sort of need to 'keep up'...
The reason I am writing this today...does indeed have to do with those photos I saw recently; of a someone that I already felt very inferior to to begin with...and then coupled with all the other things I see/read online, or even a state wide publication for example...its been leading up to where my head is right now...
When I get like this I start contemplating so many alternatives, mainly where food choices are concerned. I begin to 'plan' my attack as to how to combat what is making me feel this way. Where can I cut out meals? How little do I think I can get by on and still train for Chicago? For Houston?...honestly its what spurred the journaling again yesterday. When you make yourself write down every single gummi bear you may eat, it stares at you from the white page...
I hate these feelings of negativity...they start me into a downward spiral. I know I am not alone in this...and I generally try to keep this sort of thing to myself...but I figured well its all in my head right now, I need to get it all out. Not for any sort of commendation or need for approval...just to get it out you know?
OK so I have rambled enough for now...back to work...
P.S. I finally found something really cute (retro) to wear to Lady GaGa on Monday night! And if there was/is any doubt in my head that I am not 'thin', you would think that the size XS/S on the tag would clear that up for me...but it doesn't. I'm way too messed up in the head to let that tell me anything ;o)
4 comments:
if you find a cure let me know. : )
I think you've been spending some time inside my head lately = ((
You and me both, and a lot of other runners too... Amongst any bunch of runners you can swing a cat by the tail (not that I would of course...) and hit three or four people with body-image issues of some kind. Recognizing it and matter-of-factly dealing with it like you seem to be, is half the battle.
Wow, we have a similar story...chubby with no friends until 9th grade. (Cross-country saved my life) In my twenties, a runner, and I STILL have issues!
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