Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Goodbye 2011...

If there is one truly great life lesson that 2011 has brought, it would be that the only boundaries in life which exist are those which one imparts on themselves.  Living in blissful ignorance of the difference from that which I am currently capable of and that which I am pursuing makes some think that I am off in candy land living a reality which is unthinkable and unattainable, and to those I say PISH-POSH.   With every year I learn a little bit more about myself, and in others.  I have become this person I never envisioned, but yet I really really like.  I mean really.  Like.  :O)

Does the art of believing in something powerful and magical wash away once one hits adulthood where we all succumb to what we feel is our only fate and settle for a life that is predicably ordinary?  Does one only stay within their realms of comfort never daring to color outside the lines?

Of course you do, if you want a life filled with conventional dullness and feel content never challenging yourself to outdo your societial predetermined potential.  While some may call my dreams a hopeful wasteland, I call them opportunities and blessings.  Daring for a moment to swim upstream with hopes of achieving something uniquely different from what society has predestined me to achieve is what gets me out of bed everyday. These days I'm holding on for the glimmer of hope for the impossible. 

I see no sense in settling for the stability of a dead end business career in exchange for a paycheck that comes on someone elses terms and strips me of my individualism.  Instead I chose to brave my soul to any who will listen and find value in that which I am passionately barking about on a daily basis, health and it's unseen freedoms.

Of course, I don't really have the means to just ditch everything and live off the land, but my pursuit of my next endeavor is in the works, and it might be 2 years before I reach it, but I will keep reaching.  Even if the dream shifts due to unforeseen circumstances, it will be ok.  At least there is something out there that I have the will to reach for instead of just settling.

Now what? What happens in 2012, and where is this all going? I wish I had the answer to that, but as of right now I don't.  Here we are just a few days out from the new year where I should feel stress and pressure to keep pressing forward with a concrete plan for the direction my life is going, but that's not how I opperate.

Instead I fuel my dreams knowing that there is no intention to connect the dots going forward, rather the point is to look back and connect the dots from there.

Every year I think "God I am so glad for a new year.  Surely this one is going to be better than the last."  But yet there are always things that happen that can make it seem like such a crappy year as a whole, but I try and find the good and not to focus so much on the awful.

Two very awful and devastating things occurred in 2011, both of which upset the core of my heart.  But out of both of those, something good (maybe even great) have come from them.  This is what I choose to focus on.

Obviously one of those things is the death of my Momma.  I still think of her every day...I remember the last few days...I remember having my niece put the phone up to her ear when it was time and I was 20 min away, so that I could tell her how much I loved her and that it was OK for her to go...that we would be fine.   

But even with her dying, things that are good have come with it.  I'm not strong enough to go into those publicly, and honestly they're just too personal and will only be shared with those closest to me now... 

Then there is the other thing that was quite a blow to me .. initially .. also extremely persona, but much less harder to get over than losing my momma.   Then I realized that some things were never really that big of a deal to being with ... kinda like another death, as in gone forever, but not in the 6 feet under sense ... 

But yeah, gone forever ... even the memories, the few good ones out of a number of years, have faded to almost nothingness now ... I find myself sometimes struggling to remember any good memories; mostly just the bad ones still linger from time to time ...

So to 2011, while you haven't been the most shining year for sure, at the end of the day, at least I had another year on God's great Earth ... I leave behind some bad memories, and some really great memories too.

I welcome the new year and whatever challenges it will present to me ... stronger, wiser, another year older, but oh so hopeful and happy ... 

So to everyone out there ... please please be safe ... and please please be hopeful ...

Happy New Year!!!!

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