Sittin' in the parkin' lot...Got my finger on the 'Trigger'...

...thats the 'hook' from one of my still all time favorite songs by BJenkins...

Recently I wrote about my 'situation' with long term effects of mom/middle school 'abuse' to my never-ending hatred of my body/poor body image/distorted body image...whatever you want to call it..  Well never-ending might be too strong of a word, but if I had to guess, its like 5 out of 7 days of the week...and the 'level' of 'hatred' varies as well.

If you missed that little gem I wrote...go here...Price of Admission; This Ain't No Fairy Tale

Since writing that, nothing has changed really...in all honesty I would have to say it may, depending on the day and who you ask...have gotten worse?  Some days are definitely worse...

There are so many different triggers it is not even funny.  It could be something as simple as phone calls that never come, from anyone...not one person in particular.  Generally it is...but not always.

It could be something like a photo of another person you can't fucking stand for various reasons, and they look incredible (and you know they are because of their OWN eating disorder...shhh...its a 'secret')... Gag me; everyone knows little miss perfect that you portray yourself to be...well not EVERYONE...anyway, I digress...

It could be something like catching a reflection of myself in the theatre doors at the River Oaks theatre as I run past and seeing something 'move'...that shouldnt 'move'...

It could be something like just looking at your hot yoga teacher who is 50 and looks freaking amazing...and you KNOW you dont look like that...

It can be that your HS reunion came a year early and you didnt want to go because who cares they are all fat now and you arent and now YOU have a leg up and yeah...maybe you forgave them in HS and were all buddy buddy, but you hate them for what they did to you in middle school...when YOU were the fat one...because now...older...wiser...you realize the damage it REALLY did to you...you overlooked it in HS to be popular and fit in...I could have went and had them oooh and aaah like they do on Facebook about how great I look and how they let themselves go...but like I said...why bother for a bunch of people that I don't even like...and who, for lack of a better word, bullied me for 3 years...

It could be because you read this and found out a new word "thinspo" and googled it and then you thought..hmmm..why didnt I know about this before?  Did I follow links once I googled?  Yes.  Link after link after link...this is not good people...not good at all...

Or maybe its all the damn shows I DVR from What's Eating You to the Portia deRossi interview on Oprah about the gut wretching illness she had with an eating disorder (and being a lesbian)...Even though I sat there so in shock and awe at her truths, and thinking how God awful she looked at her thinnest (82lbs at 5'7), I felt fat when it was over...

This morning...before I was getting dressed for work, I pulled out 2 pairs of shorts...my 'skinny' shorts I call them.  Putting these on...when I do this...is the gauge of how my day will go.  Usually.  They both fit as I like them too (although looser would be better obviously), and I got dressed with a bit of relief knowing that today was going to be an OK day thanks to those shorts.

It hasn't been.  Googling 'thinspo' was the worst thing I could have done.  I knew better, yet I did it.

There are days...not many... but more and more recently where I think "if I quit running, I wouldnt have to eat as much, then I could finally get skinny"...

I know ... at the deepest level ... that this is indeed all in my head and because of my past ... but if any of you have had any sort of 'disorder' you know as well as I do, how real it all feels and seems...no matter what anyone says...

Not such a sunshiney post now is it...Sorry...Nobodys perfect...even though they may look like it...