Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Things That Hurt for $100 Alex

It's been almost 8 months now and up until this past weekend, I never muttered a word about something that has been hurting me internally for the entire 8 months. 

And even this weekend, when it was mentioned in passing, it was brief and I didn't want to dwell on it.  I don't even remember why it came up...I think it was because of a choice between showing up or not showing up for someones birthday...

Anyway, I feel like maybe I should say something.  A few of the people this applies to may or may not actually read this post as they are infrequent visitors here, and for some people I know IRL, this doesn't even apply to them.  So who reads it and who doesnt and who thinks they mean more to me than they do will remain a mystery I suppose.

People think and even comment on how many 'friends' I have, or how well known I am.  I do know a lot of people and apparently more people know me than vice versa, but I interact with so many with working at the running store or at KW, a lot of time I just can't remember everyone.  I am trying to be better about that though! (I have actually tracked down all those peeps from KW that were in Chicago that knew me and said hello either race morning or during the race itself).  But lets be clear, the people I am speaking of here are not from the store...

However, I felt pretty darn confident that I knew who my real friends were.  At least to me they were my real friends.  The ones that I felt closest to, and would do pretty much anything for if need be, or be there for you know...if their mom, dad, sister, brother, wife, husband died...

And while I can't and won't count out each individual name in my head, if I had to throw out a number of those that I am most disappointed in/with, it would be around 20 or so (I dont count the ones that I know love me and would have been here if they didnt live far away; you know who you are and whats more important I know who you are...).

But there were a bit more than that, that while I didn't expect an actual face to face at any of the opportunities, their lack of communication at all, was just as disappointing and yes, 8 months later, I am still bitter about it.

I had more condolences and goodwill wishes from strangers...people I only know via the interwebs, than I did from those I expected more from...

And I would be remiss if I didn't say that there were 2 people that completely never once, not one fucking single thing was said to me...not a 'sorry for your loss'...nothing.  Zilch.  And these 2 people?  Well lets just say that if there were 2 people ever that I would think, or that you would tell me they would be so unsympathetic, I would have told you to go straight to the crazy farm.  I am waiting for the day when 1 of them, and it will come once we actually see each other in person...when they ask how I am.  I have already made my mind up that if given the opportunity or asked straight out whats wrong.. that I fully intend to tell them.

But more than that... it was the lack of sympathy by a show of support either at the viewing or the actual funeral.  I was completely taken off guard by that, and by how it made me feel...Yes, you may not have known my mother, but you know me.  And you knew what I had gone through for the past year.

We have, as a society, become so detached.  There were texts and there were some posts on Facebook...but does anyone ever thing to pick up the fucking phone and actually dial a number?  Or show up to put their arm around your shoulder?  It just truly boggled my mind.  Even just a phone call as I said...

And for days the hurt inside was so bad that I didn't know what hurt worse?  That my mom had died or that I had such sucky friends.  OR did I even really have friends?  Real and in life, reach out and touch someone friends?  Clearly it hurt worse that momma was gone, but now 8 months later, while it still hurts that she is gone, its slowly fading as time passes, but the hurt from the other?

That seems to just be getting stronger.

A few people I have forgiven internally (forgiven isnt the right word, but the only one I can think of), but for the most part, while I am still friendly with these folks, it stops there. 

I know that 2 wrongs don't make a right, and its not like I am knowingly making a choice to think differently of them, but I did lose a lot of respect I guess you could say.  I had put a lot of me into those relationships, and well, when I felt like I was just another person in their life, I just decided that is exactly what I would or should be. 

An aquaintance.  Just doesn't have the same ring to it.  And that my friends is the saddest thing of all.

So if you or someone you know falls into this category, now you know why. 

And for the love of God, if you are close to someone and they go through something bad, at least pick up the phone and call them.  Even if you don't know what to say, all you have to do is let them know you were thinking about them.