Friday, February 17, 2012


I started writing this apparently a week or so ago…so now it’s edited a bit, and added on to since beginning CrossFit…


It’s been 4 weeks since the Houston marathon, and I am still very much at peace with my decision to lay down my sword to the distance.

I love my little 4-6 mile weekday runs.  I am in love with doing hill and speed workouts again.  I love knowing that on any given Saturday my long run will never be more than 15 miles.  I love knowing that if I don’t want to get up on Saturday to run long, I can do it on Sunday all by myself and be perfectly fine with that.  I love that if I do all my runs on the treadmill one week it isn’t going to matter. 

But mostly I love that I am running because I love to run, not because I have some schedule to adhere to and that if a run here and there is missed its not a big deal.  At all.

I also love that my appetite is finally settling into my ‘new normal’.  I don’t recall being ravenous that week following the marathon, or since then either.  However with the injury, making it known that I was taking a break, and then getting sick, my mileage dropped off significantly.  But yet I was still eating 3 squares and snacking.  I was always mindful of what and how much I was eating, but apparently not enough.

I started to feel the F word again, and things seem to fit differently.  It became apparent to me that I was going to have to adjust my eating again to fit my new exercise regime.

I don’t need the amount of calories I once did that is for sure.  And while I never was a carb-loader, I was a food loader at times when it came time to run long (and just run-ger in general) and unless I watched it then, I am still prone to gain due to my hypothyroidism.  I don’t have a normal metabolism, and at my age its slower anyway.  Couple that with H-T and well, I just don’t burn as many calories for activity, even with the meds that I have to take every day.

That’s why I yo-yo.  Sometimes it just sneaks up on me because of one reason or another.  Mostly because I quit writing everything down.

This time it was because I hadn’t altered my diet and my activity, while still brisk, was not what it was for the past 9-10 months while I was training for all those marathons in the Fall/Winter.

While I do own a scale, I rarely use it (maybe once every few months if that), but rather go by how my clothes fit (which means my running shorts).  I could feel something had changed a bit from mid-January, so once I could start running again more frequently and with more intensity, that obviously would help, but then I got sick and that got me off track with that again, plus with my rotations at the gym. 

I have had to really alter how, what, and when I eat.

That is, if I wanted to continue to maintain/lose weight, which I do.  Now I don’t have to worry about fueling all the time to the degree my body wanted (or needed) before.

It just takes a bit of work and preparation on the part of the person and the body needs to adjust to the differences (activity and food changes).  This is where a lot of people make their biggest mistakes when trying to either maintain or lose weight.  While you may be hungry, you don’t need the food.

Not everyone is as concerned about their weight and how it affects not only their ability to be active/exercise, but just the toll it takes on the overall health system itself.  I could go into personal experiences and the observations I make when it comes to others that don’t seem to care much about what and how much they put into their body, but it should be because its more than just about vanity.

I know that some people think possibly that I am a bit extreme, but honestly, in comparison to some people that I know IRL, my rein on my food/weight/health is nowhere near the degree of obsessiveness that I witness in others. 

It is documented and I am upfront about my history with body dysmorphia, restriction (of food), etc., so it shouldn’t come as any shock that I still and will always have those tendencies (to restrict). 

However my ways of restriction have changed.  I know its still restriction but the motivation behind it is different.  Well the motivation is the same I suppose, but the reason for the motivation is different.  Confused?  :O)

Basically what I am trying to say is that before when I restricted it was, for about 98%, to overcome the voices from my past, whether it was my mother, or the kids in middle school, telling me I was too fat, or taunting me because I was too fat.  Then at some point it became about control when other things in my life seemed to be out of control, and then it became about not wanting to ever be any of that (overweight/ridiculed) ever again.

I also know that at any given moment, people still judge.  They can say they don’t and maybe they judge some people differently, but they judge. 

Especially women.

And unfortunately, at least in my case, I am my own worst critic.  And I think most people (women) are.  That’s why on any given day, someone is going to feel the need to argue or explain their lunch or snack choice to me.

Guess what?  I don’t care.  You obviously know you aren’t doing yourself any favors, so why are you doing it?

Anyway, I could get myself a lot of haters on this subject if I were to go into it too far, so I won’t.

To this day I still have a fear of being overweight (for vanity reasons), but also for my health.  I love to be able to be active and not feel like I am dying.  And I love that I am never sick, I don’t complain about all these aches and pains, about how I don’t want to get out of bed, or how tired I am all the time.

And I always preface my response with, don’t take this the wrong way but:  move more and eat less.  You’ll feel better.

And then today (2/17/2012) I add: 

This week of CrossFit has done amazing things to my body.  Yes in just 4 days.  Of course with the running AND the CrossFit AND the fact that I have been eating so clean, definitely helps, but isn’t that how it is supposed to be?  Since starting CrossFit, I find myself only wanting meat and vegetables (mostly meat).  I’ve had a piece of bread here or there (usually a fold over PB or with a piece of chicken stuffed in there).  I pulled my jeans on this morning and I was like WTF?  I doubt I have lost weight, but I guess I am smaller.  Lets keep this going why don’t we???  :O)

This also probably has to do with the fact that I eat the bare minimum after I run and before CF, and then when I get home (past 9:30) its too late to eat, so again grab a piece of chicken and 2 boiled eggs.  Yep, that’s what I have been craving all week long.  Chicken and boiled eggs.  Strange indeed.

I find that especially interesting because CrossFit is very much Paleo or Zone when it comes to nutrition.  If you look at their philosophy, nutrition is the number 1 building block. It is VERY important to CrossFitters and they take it very seriously.  We briefly talked about the CF philosophy last night after WOD, and next week, there is a brief stint covering nutrition.

Every night I show up at the CF box, the grill outside is going and there are chicken breasts or kabobs with meat/vegetables grilling.  Smells SO good.  I really need to look into buying one of those George Foreman electric stand up grills so that I can use it on my porch.  The grills we have where I live are AWESOME but who wants to have to go to the pool to cook?  Not me! 

It seems with each passing month, I simplify a bit more and more.  Thankfully I am at a place (physically and mentally) now where I can also simplify my way of eating and I love that I am not 'starving' all the time.

As I am finishing writing this, I must admit:  while I was so looking forward to Friday rest day, I'm a little sad there is no CrossFit tonight.

That scares me.


DonaldCard said...

June. I relate to every single bit of your message about restrictions, body dysmorphia, etc. I come from a place that appears to be IDENTICAL to yours. My logic for restriction has changed over time as well and at this point, it's finally come to a place where it's out of love for myself rather than to prove anything to anyone. I know you get that. it's apparent by your post. I feel connected to you especially within this context. Your words about modifying to fit the post marathon lifestyle were in my head this morning after breakfast....even BEFORE i read your post; so when I read them it was like i was spiritually connected to your blog post already!!!

I don't judge. And you're right that you may get some haters. But it's their journey and in time, I hope they understand your intent is in the right place.

Donald Card

Jamoosh said...

I think any haters are either superficial or small minded. I have reached a point where I realize how fast I reach the destination (whethre in a race or acheiving a goal) isn't as important as the journey and doing it in a manner that is enjoyable to me.