Thursday, March 24, 2011


That's how I feel.  Like I am sometimes losing my mind.  My mind races off into so many different directions at such random times that I do feel 'crazy'.

(be prepared that this post is likely to convince you I am mental or crazy); clearly by now you have figured out I am not one of those rainbows, light brights and sparkly stuffed unicorns kinda blogger, where I make you feel all soft and comfy and pretend that my life, food and habits are anywhere near perfection???? 

1)  I find myself dissecting conversations, sentences and even singling out one word from a phrase or comment that may have been spoken to me...and then making it into something it probably wasn't even meant to be or even mean...but my brain is just on overanalyze/overdrive.
2)  My patience seems to be worn thin at times as well.  Or maybe I mean that my tolerance (for certain things) has worn thin.  I find myself rolling my eyes a lot.  Especially when I do read the updates on Facebook.  Here is a hint...if you consistently post politics, anti-gay, religion, gluttony (food or alcohol), or are just overall disrespectful to our country or any facet of our human race then I am going to either delete you or at the very least hide your ass...and let me tell you there are a lot of people on my 'friends' list that are hidden.  In addition, it just saddens me that at some point I may have thought this person worthy of my friendship and attention?  WTF?

And I suspect that a lot of people on mine loathe my status updates sometimes too...and that's fine.  I couldn't care less.  I just get so downtrodden over the stupidity of others when it comes to certain things...I am trying to stay off of there more and more to be honest.  Its just saddens me which is a negative feeling and I hate when I have negative feelings...

3)  And speaking of that...negative feeling thing...I thought I had turned a corner with my self-esteem/body image thing, but that was short-lived.  I have however, figured out the 'trigger'...since Monday I have often found myself trying to figure out just exactly how little I can eat and still 'function' and by function, I mean run.  :O)

Even as I sit here now, my mind is focusing on things I have googled/researched/read on exactly some fight the good fight with their struggles as it pertains to their ED.  And what I mean by that is exactly how they eat (or not eat), think...everything.  Its overwhelming and I find myself yet obsessing over how to 'be skinny' ... I mark that in such a manner, because no less than probably 25 times over the past 2 weeks (and at least once a day for the past 3 days) I have had to hear someone make a remark about my weight, or lack thereof.

Do you really think that because I am what you consider skinny, that any comments cannot trigger a person and in this case, me?  For whatever reason, the more people comment on how 'little' I am the littler I think I need to be to 'live up to that perception'...crazy yes.

4)  OK, so here is something else...and something that I have thought long and hard about...even tweeted about it; and wondered if I could get past it or would it just keep resonating in my brain until such time I felt like I just had to write it out...well now is that time.

I am completely floored, disappointed, and overall just completely shellshocked that I know people...who I considered dear friends that either are completely clueless, that selfish, or just completely rude (or maybe all 3) to the fact that I a) have been going through a lot these past couple of months, and b) that I just went through probably one of the single most traumatic life experiences a person will have (death of a parent).  Now granted, I know that my Momma was my Momma, and that well, in the big picture maybe they didnt know her...and its been suggested that 'some people just don't know what to say' etc.

Um.  No.  Don't buy it. 

Let me tell you something...out of alllllllllllllllll of the people I want to know what?  I will tell you what.  The people least likely...the ones that not only didn't know my Momma, but BARELY know me...yeah they are the ones that stepped up.  Floored me.  There were flowers sent, cards, gifts, offers for meals...from what I would consider almost a stranger...and from some that I have had issues with in the past that somehow, somewhere along the way, just faded away and was replaced by compassion and genuine sympathy.  Sometimes it takes something so personal and sad to find out who not only means the most to you, but who you mean the most to.

After writing all that, and then also what I just deleted, its pointless really.  The few that I am speaking of...well, I often wonder what (if anything) I will say to them should I either run into them (inevitable) or if I should receive some random email spouting off about something or to see 'Whats up?' (also inevitable).

To those of you that went out of your way, before, during and after, words cannot express how much gratitude and love I feel for you...

And having said all of that...I am taking a much needed break from social media (Facebook and Twitter).  My blogging might take a hit as well, but it won't be non-existent. 

I think I just need a bit of 'privacy' for a while you know?