Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Little Not So Independant

This past weekend I was supposed to be running the Texas Independance Relay (203 miles across Texas).  Two weeks or so ago I found out I was an alternate, then later finding out that I indeed could be on the team (of course now they wanted someone with 9min miles which was not the original request, but I digress).

Not only was that something I wasn't going to be able to do (and besides I had stopped training for such a long relay), but I had also found out that my Mom was in her final days (we still dont know when obviously, but it 'won't be long' whatever that means).  So clearly I wasn't going to commit to this given all of the above.

Even this past week I was asked by 2 other teams but declined.  For what I would think are obvious reasons.

Which turned out to be the best decision because not only was my sister sick, but she has pneumonia.  Shes doing much better now and talked the doctor out of admitting her to the hospital.  The fact that right now I am just unable to really plan anything short term.  I can schedule things but always make sure that whoever I am making those plans with or for, they understand that at any given notice I may not be available.

I am not going to lie.  This weekend was tough for me.  Part of me was angry because my routine was disrupted (not only not being able to do TIR but also having my long run foiled; more on that in the next post) but then all of me would feel guilt.  Forget the fact that just caring for a dying parent isn't quite stressful and debilitating enough...It didn't make it any easier that I had to be subjected to constant updates on Facebook by those people I knew out there on the course.  Out of all of them, only one persons updates didnt phase me much, because it was just the statistics.  Thats really all that I cared about and all that I was actually able to stomach.  I was thankful for his updates because as a close personal friend, I was happy for him and I put all my focus in his endeavor and no one elses.

Recently there was a study of some sort about how Facebook has caused a rise in depression (among other things), because of the barrage of updates and pictures that can sometimes (if a person is suseceptable to begin with; or can actually trigger) low self esteem.  This I know to be true.  There have been numerous occasions that I get overwhelmingly depressed or feel bad about myself or my life because of 'updates' from people with seemingly perfect lives.  Facebook, just like the rest of the internet is suspect at best.  People can and will portray anything and everything they can to make themselves into something, that in most cases I believe, that is simply not true.

Case in point:  Here I am going through the most horrible and difficult time of my life, yet I do not post that on Facebook; yet I post all the excitement leading up to Bay to Breakers and Chicago, and how well this run went or how awesome hot yoga made me feel last night.  While that is indeed true, it portrays nothing to the fact that I am crumbling on the inside and feel more alone than ever. 

You can have all the friends in the world on Facebook but at the end of the day, only about 1% (if that) of those people really give a damn about your situation.  They are more concerned with their own lives and doing exactly what we all do I think; pretend we are something we aren't.  Protect ourselves from scutiny that we are ALL fucked up in some manner at any given time.

Let me be more specific; out of all my 'friends', there are 3...THREE that regularly check in with me.  And out of those 3, only ONE (and one that I would never have suspected) that truly makes an effort to really understand what I am going through and offer her guidance and thoughts on it all.  I am truly grateful to her, and I hope that when she reads this, she knows who she is...  :O)

I am not saying that I expect anything more from people, because lets face it; we are a society of me, me, me and have become desensitized to the plight of those that we consider to be our friends.  However I think along with everything else, Facebook has redefined the term 'friend' which saddens me to no end.

So I continue on as I have, trying to get through each day and not break down at any given time ... we just wait for Mom to be 'ready' to go and then we'll mourn and then yes, we'll move on.  And through it all, I, along with the rest of my family, will just bond together and in that I take some comfort.  Family is family, but it would be nice to be able to feel like the friends...you know the family you get to choose, would show a little compassion.

I told my dear (best) friend last night that I sometimes think how insensitive people are, or maybe I am just TOO sensitive and that I shouldnt be...but then no...I will NOT be less sensitive because that is who I am...I genuinely care about people and just wish that more people were.

Well you know how the saying goes:  "Wish in one hand..."

1 comment:

Nicole C. said...

I wish I knew just the right things to say.
I don't, but do know that I love you and I pray for you, your mom and peace for all of you every single day.