Thursday, March 17, 2011

2 - 1 - 1 = 0

There are so many feelings and emotions surrounding one and one's head when a parent is lost.

I lost my daddy 16 years ago.  I was very close to my daddy.  While this event was indeed heartbreaking and devastating to me, it was very different than this go round.  16 years ago, I was self medicating myself with booze, drugs and partying.  They slacked off for a year or so but then began again up until 2004.  Its just what I did to drown out all the turmoil from all the years of this, that, the other, and then losing daddy.

Also I didn't have to take care of daddy during his bout with lung cancer.  Momma took care of that. 

Now?  Well I have been clean and sober now for going on 7 years, and while I thought going through the normal ups and downs of life that way was compared to going through this that way.

I am still struggling with sleep and when I do sleep, I have vivid dreams pretty much the entire time. Not of her, just dreams in general.  About some strange things really; none of which right now I can recall.  People say that that is normal for some because of all the emotions and stress surrounding the situation; your mind is just active all. the. time. (moreso than normal).

Being so close to this situation with momma over the past year (which incidentially she passed exactly one year TO THE DAY from the stroke), taking care of her, sacrificing (nothing like my sister did though) etc., well it just puts you much closer to the a caretaker, even in a minimal capacity that I consider myself to have been involved, makes the loss so much greater. 

Anyway, the whole reason for the post title of 2-1-1=0 was for the reason that that is how I feel.  Like I have been reduced to a 0.  I don't know where I belong.  I mean, even after daddy died, I still had my momma, but now? 

Now I don't have any parents.

I don't have a momma or a daddy.  To me that just sounds sad.  And just not right somehow.

Its something that I am struggling with and figure its going to the one thing that takes some getting use to.  Or maybe I wont ever get use to it.  I still miss my daddy and its been 16 years...I think about him a lot actually. But I am finding myself really having a harder time with the loss of momma, which is weird because of our history and just the fact that I never considered myself 'close' to her ... I think about her more than I think I did my dad in the few days afterwards...again I can only attribute this to my state of mind and the fact that I am not only older but as I mentioned, clean/sober.

I don't know really...just still kinda feels surreal to me.

I feel like Little Orphan Junie.


Mel said...

I am tearing up reading this :-( I can't even fathom what it must feel like. I can't imagine life without my parents, but I know that it's going to happen one day.

you've been in my thoughts and prayers alot lately.

I'm glad you decided not to do TIR (we did have to tap an alternate a week before). There is always next year... I say this because I am happy you got to spend that weekend with her. you were there with her up until the very end.

Charlotte said...

Big hugs Junie! I wish I had something profound for you but all I have to offer is my sympathy. I'm so so sorry that this is so hard for you right now. Losing a loved one is the hardest thing we can experience. And I don't mean this in a trite or pushy way but are you at all religious? I only ask because my faith was an immense comfort to me when I was grieving the loss of my daughter. ((big hugs))!

TX Runner Mom said...

I also teared up reading this. I am never good with words at times like this, so just know that I am thinking of you June! Praying that you find some comfort. (((hugs)))