Thursday, June 19, 2014

Don't Be Sad that It's Over, Be Happy That It Happened ---- Dr. Seuss

It's been a VERY, very trying past 6 days or so.
My body, my mind and most certainly my heart has grown so weary.
I've been in shock, then not in shock, then in denial, then just in a deep, dark place overall.
I know in life that everything is not always as it may seem...I mean even just like on Instagram, where everything can be filtered out, and as humans we can even filter out what is tearing us up on the inside by flashing smiles, laughing like there is no tomorrow, posting our perfect scenarios on Facebook...
You can even show up in tiaras, tutu's, pigtails and boas and still be silently suffering on the inside.
To give some idea of what I am talking about, a very dear and close friend of mine died some time last Thursday night/Friday morning.
I have known her for the better part of 12 years.  I introduced her to anyone and everyone I knew.  We chased the lights of honky tonks from here to Oklahoma, and we did it because we were also chasing the music.
The sound of fiddles and guitars, and of course, the men that played them.
I have SO many memories of her, and while yes geography and some lifestyle changes might have caused us to not be as crazy as we once were (me, not her, she was still living the life of a free spirit), nothing in this life can dissolve true love between friends.
I don't know what she might have been feeling back then...on the inside...if the pain she felt that was too big of a cross to bear, was something that was simmering or if time and life situations slowly added fuel to a simmering fire, but somewhere along the way, that simmering fire had grown to the size of fire as big as the wildfires each summer in Colorado.
I take some comfort in knowing that it wasn't just myself that missed the signs, or if there truly were any...I don't know.  I hadn't seen her in a few years.  Only pictures on Facebook.  Pictures of her as I had always known her.  Dressed in crazy clothes, at some fair..or with our mutual friends.  Listening to music.  Dancing like no one was watching.
Of her with her daughter who had grown from a tiny tot that I once knew into a young woman.
A young woman with troubles of her own, but then I would see Heather...doing what mothers do to save their child.
It all just seemed to have been this tragic accident.  A fight with your daughter, not unusual.  Probably a glass or two of wine.  Also not unusual.  And maybe just maybe something to help one sleep without the mind racing...also not unusual.
But the combination was something, that for whatever reason was not what it was supposed to be that evening.
A horrible tragic accident as I said.  A life taken way too soon by an accidential overdose.
I believed it.  I certainly didn't believe some of the whisperings of 'what if' that our friends were suggesting.
If I had one dollar to my name, I would have bet that dollar that this was nothing more than just an accident.
Then on Tuesday morning, I find out that indeed the pain inside was just too much for her to bear anymore and that Heather had chosen to do what so many of us may think as unthinkable.
She took her own life.

We drove to Austin say goodbye to our friend.  The room couldn't hold everyone.  I was not surprised.  Well I was surprised...surprised that they didn't count on that and get a bigger room.

I saw people I hadn't seen for a long time.  I hugged the necks, kissed the tear stained cheeks and stared into their eyes and hearts also filled with questions.

And regret. 

I wish I had texted her back sooner.
I wish I hadn't been asleep.
I wish I had gone out with her.
I wish I had taken the 2 seconds to respond to her FB message.

So many regrets.
But so many more questions.

And very little answers.

There were letters.  But the contents of those letters will be reserved for the family I suppose.

Suicide is, to many people, a sin.  And to a lot more, just something that you don't talk about ... shameful I would suspect.

I don't know.  I haven't had to deal with this ever.  I've been reading up on some things around it...and while many, myself included, always thought that yes that person was being selfish, in their minds, its the LEAST selfish thing.

I am not going to go into all that I have read, because well, the internet is free and vast for anyone who wants to look into it.

I think, at least for myself, that I have felt true immense pain in my heart and my head.  I didn't for MANY years due to self medicating, but I will say that once I got clean and sober and went through my first relationship that was tumultious to begin with where I was at least a time or two crumpled on the floor crying so hard it also physically hurt, and then of course the death of my yeah, that to me was pain that made me just want to 'curl up and die'.

Only not really.

Those are pains we as humans are generally equipped to deal with and yes, even live through.

But then....there are those pains that I, nor probably many of you reading, will never know of or feel.

I will never forget her...and I certainly will not blame her for the pain I feel right now.  I will love her and remember her.


1 comment:

saroy said...

Your friend sounds like she was a wonderful person. I'm so sorry.