Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Ghosts of Christmas Present

And so we have Christmas Present.
Or in my case, I would say the past decade.  That along with now, thats my 'present'.
Its the time where I began to heal, even through the times of loss, confusion, and tribulation.  I began dealing with the highs, and certainly the lows through new eyes, a new head and certainly a new spirit.
Part of me wonders if I would have begun to come into my own had I not gotten sick, quit drinking, and started running?
Who knows, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and for me that reason was a renewed sense of life.
In watching Scrooged, during the visit of Christmas present, I had to look inside, and while not anywhere near the despair that Francis had in the movie, there are certainly parts of my present that are not ideal.
My present is primarily awesome.  I am closer than ever to my family, even though I live so far away.  We have a new bundle of joy coming in just a couple of months.  I have a great job.  I make a lot of money.  I have a great house even though its drafty which makes for some cursing when I have to get up in the morning and its negative a billion degrees outside ;)
I have only 3 years left before I am completely debt free, including student loans!

So yeah, my Christmas present is a-ok.

Except that I completely misjudged this whole moving away from 'home' thing.

Last time I did that I was 25 and couldn't wait to get away from my life there; past relationships, mom and dad..everything.  A new adventure.  And it was wonderful.

But I was 25.

This time around I was 49.  Things in the couple of years leading up to that weren't great, still running from a relationship that left me feeling less than whole.  While I was doing OK, a little distance would even be better right?

Yeah.  And no.

The lure of an adventure, away from the suffocating heat of Texas, what was a dead end job, making a lot less than I had for years..and this job with its reputation as a company, signing bonus, moving me...a 2 year contract...how bad can it be?

Well while it is not 'bad', I miss home something awful.  I mean like AWFUL AWFUL.

I miss shopping, movies, any kind of food you can long for.  I miss being able to wear shorts to run in 365 days a year; or at least 360 days a year ;)

I miss my family being an hour away.  I miss my friends, both running and non-running.  I miss my running group.  Those early Saturday morning long runs.

Races with actual timing.

The weather here is brutal.  While yes, the no humidity thing is a godsend, the rest of it just sucks.  Wind, wind and more wind.  SO COLD 9 months out of the year. 

Sure the money is awesome, but I now often wonder, how important is that in life?  Yes I have socked away a lot...I don't long for anything that I may want or need.  Its going to look great on my resume...how important is that anyway at my age???

So my present, while I am SO much better off than I have ever been in all the ways that count, I am not happy.

I thought I might try and get my re-do on my failed 'last' marathon ever in 2014, but it cannot be my focus.  My focus on 2014 is to get back to where I am happiest.  The last place I thought that might actually be:


1 comment:

Nicole said...

Texas is right. Hopefully Houston!