Monday, December 9, 2013

Ghosts of Christmas Past

This post may be a downer for some, but its real life.  And something I've been giving a lot of thought to..and its not like I haven't been 'educated' on how cleansing this might be ... after all these years of just keeping secrets about something so deep, so dark, so personal...


There is so much about me that no one really knows about.
Mostly about the 'ghosts' or 'demons' of my past; that semi-defined my life, up to a point I suppose. And to this day, still haunt me but I am much better at understanding and realizing that because of those of those things, not in spite of them, I have come to this place.
This place in my life where I've matured even beyond what I would have ever imagined, but yet still so very young. At least in my body, mind and spirit.
Yes my biological age is a number I don't necessarily equate with young, but it certainly isn't old either.
This past weekend, as I was watching Scrooged, I began to think about my own past, present and future. And figured I should write ... I'm not going to lie, some of this might not set well with anyone who might read it (I realize I've lost readership through my semi-retirement from this blog); but maybe that's a good thing.
It's no secret that I've had in my past the things that made me struggle with weight, eating disorderish type behavior.
Wait, lets stop right there. Maybe its obvious to those that actually know me IRL, but I've strugged with an eating disorder my entire life.
Sometimes it would be worse than other times, but still there nonetheless.  Not in a 'traditional' sense or anything like that...most people associate ED with anorexia or bulimia, but those were neither of my demons.  I will write more on this at a later time, but its now there for now;
I also suffer from body dysmorphia.  If I remember right, I've written about this before here...
Both of these are a direct reflexion of a 'ghost'; from early childhood through 9th grade or so and well, continues to this day.  I just have a realization of it now that helps me not be destructive with my thoughts or actions.
And another 'ghost' of past, is actually something that had a direct correlation to probably the weight/eating issues I've suffered since.
As a child I was sexually abused.  I don't remember at what age it started, but I do remember when it ended.  More or less.  I couldn't recite what grade or age, or anything like that.  I shut it out of my mind for so long, but then bits and pieces would come back. 

I was clearly still too young to realize the horror of it all, so when it stopped it just stopped. 

This was WAY before 'stranger danger' and all the television shows...and where people actually warned children at every turn about what wasn't right...or even if a family member or friend...Wasn't right and you should tell someone.

I can still clearly remember incidents though, almost as if a dream...but they were real.  And the conversations around this were very real once the 3 of us realized we weren't alone.
Several years back it was discovered that not only myself, but my sister, and my niece as well.  So basically it stopped for my sister when it started with me, and then it ended with me when it started with my niece.

And no, we never told anyone.
Then the nightmare was over.

I sometimes still think about these incidents...and how they've shaped me into the person I was; and who I am still becoming.  They have MUCH less of an impact on me as I've gotten older other than sometimes I regret that especially the abuse one, it possibly kept me from ever really becoming able to seal the deal on getting married and having kids.  I don't really know about that last part though... LOL ... kids?  Ummm...

Don't get me wrong, I love babies and kids...I have a maternal side, but I am also extremely selfish, and then there is the whole sub-issue of the weight/body thing..that also, as much as I hate to admit it, was always in the back of my mind whenever the subject of kids ever came up in a few of my engagements to be married.  Yeah, didn't you know?  Engaged 5 times, and 5 times I backed out.

So yeah to say I have some ghosts that for so long I only dealt with in the way of too many men, too much alcohol, too many drugs and overall self-destructive behavior is an understatement.  Thankfully though, through the past decade, other than a very bad self destructive relationship for a couple of years, I'm definitely better.

That 'relationship' was the last of the self destructive behavior though. That one was rough and I struggled really badly through that. Being sober and clean finally while dealing with crisis was ROUGH. I mean rough beyond anything I ever want to experience again.

I still have issues with that every once in a while.  No where near what it use to be.  Shortly after my mom died, the last thread of that relationship and unfortunately any chance of lasting friendship died as well.

This time though it was painless.  Even after all the lies and accusations from their side, which were so far-fetched even I couldn't believe them..LOL..I just laughed most of the time, and now almost 3 years later, I only sometimes wish I could call him up and just chat.  Seems like it only occurs during the holidays now...

Going through my mom dying was something that was also new to me and so so so so painful.  When my dad was diagnosed and died within a year of cancer, I dealt that in the old way.  When it was mom's turn...whoa.

That was brutal.

I've been a master and hiding, fleeing, lying and burying...only to let a chosen few in on some of my ghosts, but clearly no where near the what I would consider the worst of them...

Bet you can't wait for Ghosts of Christmas Present right?

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