And Just Like That, 2013 Is On Its Way Out

What a year huh?

 

I know I didn't write a whole lot, and that's probably not going to change much.  Its certainly not a goal, much less a resolution.  e.g. 79 total posts this year compared to 196 in 2012, and boy 2010 and 2011 were BIG years for me blogging, but those were BIG years for me with running, racing, and life.

 

If you know me at all IRL, or just by reading the past few years, you know I don't do resolutions.

 

I do set goals, but that is not year to year specific; that is how I live my life.  If I want something, whether tangible or not, I figure out a way to either get it or achieve it.

 

Honestly.  And if there is one thing you can count on with me is honesty (read my comments on some blogs and you will see)...is that I get SOOOOOO tired of reading on ALL social media, including blogs about how this is going to be the year I ________________.

 

What. The. Fuck. Ever.

 

But hey, if you are one of the few that can actually power through, good for you!  Maybe THIS will be the year you _________________.

 

At the end of the day though it just doesn't happen quite the way you/we think it will be in our heads.  Even a small percentage of success though is good right?

 

Eh.  I'm not so sure I am on that bandwagon.

 

I mean sure I also want to:

1. Lose 10 lbs
2. Get organized
3. Run 13 marathons (1 a month)   Umm...NOT.
4. Save more
5. Spend less
6. Read a book a day
7. Eat NO JUNK FOOD EVER EVER EVER
8. Lose 20 lbs
9. Meet a man
10. Get married
11. Have children
12. Save the world
13. Watch less TV
14. Unplug
15. Go to bed early
16. Exercise more
17. Cook more, eat out less
 

 

Seriously?  People are SO Gdamned stupid.

But I will say that some of other peoples "resolutions" are the way I already live.  Those are just some that I see if not every year, I have seen so far this year.

 

Its not rocket science people.  If its important to you, you'll succeed, if not, you won't.  Its about as simple as 1+1

At least here, in this small town, while I do expect to see more people at our little gym it won't be like what bigger cities experience this time of year i.e. parks over-crowded, gyms over-crowded etc.  Here no one really just starts going to the gym, they are members, just don't work out hardly at all, but will try again...come the 1st of January and by Valentines Day, they'll be gone. 

Heck as far as that goes, every Monday is like January 1st here :O)

 

I have one goal in 2014 and one goal only.  At least I have something to strive for right? 

 

Oh and to just continue to do as I have been doing.  It all seems to be working out for me:  I am a healthy, thriving, and happy human being.

 

Can't ask for much more now can I?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Currently.....

Here is a little peek into my world as it is currently:

 

Loving

The fact that we've had 4 days now of warmer weather so I can run outside!!

Its been in the 50's and 60's; and even though by the time I run and its dark out (the temps drop like a rock as soon as the sun is setting), its still in the high 30's or maybe 40.  Last night with our run club, we had our last group run of the year and it was pretty darn cold;  We don't start until 6pm and the feels like was 19.  Holy shit I was freezing :)

Although today it all ends and single digit, sub-zero wind chills, snow and ice start again tomorrow.  It was rare for December in Nebraska but man did my mood perk up over the past few days ;)

 

Watching

Scandal!

 

 

I just started Season 2.  I never had any interest in this show, which is still on regular TV, but after seeing a lot of hoopla on FB and Twitter I figured I would give it a go.  VERY good!  Its keeping me interested while waiting for House of Cards, OITNB and the last 8 episodes of Breaking Bad to hit Netflix.  I have a lot of other series in my queue, but I can only watch one at a time ;)

 

Reading

Still reading Revenge Wears Prada.  I haven't been reading on my iPad quite as near as I should be, but I'm determined hopefully to finish it by year end so I can start the Divergent series.

 

 

Eating

Well it is the holidays but I've been good.  I am still eating 95% vegetables, but I did roast a chicken for Thanksgiving and I had a hamburger at Sonic last weekend when I drove down to Sterling, CO.

 

 

I do eat fish about once or twice a week, depending on if I've gone to Ft. Collins or Cheyenne which is where I have to go to get decent seafood.

 

Right this second though, I'm eating a banana ;o)

Don't fret, I'm enjoying a holiday cookie, cake or snacks at least once a day ;)

 

Sipping

Water, water, water.

Coffee, coffee, coffee.

 

I've given up Diet Coke; for the most part.  I guess on average I am still having 1-2 a week.
 

 

Listening

Nothing really.  I don't listen to music much anymore, except when I am running, so whatever is popular on the radio that is catchy and I like to run to, thats what I am listening to.  I did purchase 2 Christmas albums this holiday season and I've listened to those: Harry Connick Jr and the Glee Christmas one as well.
 

 

Anticipating

Duh.  Going home for Christmas!!!

 

 

Thinking About

My thoughts lately, the deeper ones are about the fact that someone I thought I would always be able to have some sort of friendship with, isn't responsive.  I guess I was wrong.  One email and then never anything again.  While this person was never good enough for me, other than a friend, and did hurt me a time or two, I still wish sometimes that I had a 'pen pal' in someone that once was a significant part of my life.
 

 

Wishing

That the next few months go by swiftly so I can begin a new chapter in my life.

 

Planning

Nothing concrete or laid out, but in my head I am planning those months in the Spring when I can being a new chapter in my life.

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I hope that everyone has a blessed holiday with your families and those that you love like family!

 

 



Christmas Movies (do not) = Real Life

I know the last few posts about Christmas ghosts for the most part were major downers, but guess what?  Life is not perfect and I don't believe anyone out there lives in a Christmas snow globe right?  Do you even KNOW anyone that does?  Sure I bet you know some that WANT you to believe they do...

Anyway...

 

It was important to me to write some of that..to even share it to anyone out there still reading; or who might just happen upon this blog somehow.

 

I still have a lot to write about, and even over the weekend I realized I needed to post an entry about the GREAT part of my childhood, and maybe even if you can believe it, something just as bad and traumatic as sexual abuse: bullying.

 

But today's post came to me over the weekend as I was relaxing, of course watching a few Christmas movies.  I've done that off and on since Thanksgiving, they are indeed one of my guiltiest pleasures after all.

 

At some point, Lord only knows through which one it was, that I said out loud, in an empty house sans one furry snowball of a cat, Ha! I don't know a single person EVER that has the life led in a Christmas movie.  Maybe at that one point in each of them that seems to have the main character struggling because they are emotionally lost and on the verge of the worst life ever moment..but then somehow, out of nowhere either an angel, Santa himself, or some unbelievable family member, man or woman come in and save the day and they all live happily ever after.

 

 

I mean that totally happens every single day right?

 

Oy.

 

But yet, as I stated, definitely one of my guiltiest pleasures every year and while yes I cry like a 6 year old girl who can't find her prized Barbie, I at least, for the most part don't feel that my life is so awful because it isn't like what I see on TV.

 

I have heard some say and even announce after watching any of these that they feel awful, like major depression, and I don't understand that?

 

You cannot honestly think that that really exists right?

That would be like believing the covers and insides of magazines that so and so is THAT thin and has NO pores.

 Seriously, please tell me who all know this is NOT REAL?

Seriously just google Before and After Photoshop images to see what I am talking about.

Mind-blowing.

Actually its done a great deal of good for me since I struggle (still) from time to time of triggers with the perfect persona that society would like for us all to believe is real life.

Just like the movies do sometimes.

And healthy living blog(gers).  That's another thing that use to be demoralizing to me; sparking triggers, my ED to go into overdrive, not to mention trying to run a bazillion miles a week and feel rotten to my core because I couldn't do what they do.

Oh wait...they don't have jobs.  Or a lot of things it seems; and talk about eating disorders!  Took me forever to figure how why my issues skyrocketed during a time where I read them faithfully.

So again... Christmas movies (and a LOT of other things) are NOT real life.

Its OK to be sad.
Its OK to eat.
Its even OK to eat something bad for you.
(Can we just STOP already with all the Survive the Holidays!  Exercise More So You Don't Gain the Holiday 10! or whatever...types of posts on Facebook, Twitter, and every single place I seem to look these days!?!?!?)

Its OK that you can't run faster than a speeding bullet, or even a fat chihuahau.
Its OK that you aren't married.
Its OK that you don't have kids.

ITS OK! OK! OK!

 



Ghost of Christmas Future

 

I think, while watching the movie, this is where I really began to think about the whole past, present, and future thing.

 

Also I know I mentioned this in one of the previous posts, but when I signed on to move to Nebraska, I guess I thought I would feel the same way as I did when I left TX for NV all those years ago.

 

I couldn't wait to get out of TX back then and honestly I was definitely ready for a change when I decided to move to Nebraska, for a few reasons, but within the first 6 months a lot of what I thought it was gonna be, turned out not to be.

 

But being the person that I am, I've made it work, made the best out of those changes and for the most part, thrived.

 

But I'm not gonna lie, I'm miserable.  It was better when it was Summer (for a whole 3 months), but now Winter has settled in big time and I just hate it.

 

Living in Texas you think, oh goodness what I wouldnt give to live somewhere cold.

 

Um, no.  Or maybe...but not me.

 

Don't get me wrong, I like, even love cold, but not so cold that you have to wear 4 layers up top, 2 on bottom, to run outside, or that you have to have 4 blankets on your bed...or I guess you could just have 1 and pay an enormous gas bill, but you get my point.

 

This below zero BS is not even the least bit funny.

 

And then the snow and ice?  Ugh.

 

Additionally I guess as I said, I grossly underestimated how badly I would miss the conveniences of a city, my friends, my family.

 

So my future, first and foremost is to get back to civilization.  Now whether or not that ends up being Houston, I don't know.  Maybe Austin, Dallas?

 

But additionally my future, regardless of where I end up will be that I spend more time enjoying the life that I had there before and didn't take advantage of.

Too many times, as I am at my core, an introvert, would stay in my own little world, rarely venturing out to do this or that.  Sometimes, but not often.

Well I should say not often enough.

Given the opportunity I want to be more involved with races, volunteering, not just running.  And I want to run MORE races.  I had stopped for budgeting reasons, but its just silly.  Now that I dont have the options, I know what a privilege it was to have races around me all the time.

With real live timing.  And not the same 3 miles every single time.  Here they have a 5K ever so often, but its the same. 3. miles. every. single. time.  On a paved trail.

Blech.

Also would spend more time with my non-running friends.  Man I miss them SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO much!

Thats the biggest thing right there.  While my social life was minimal man, I am so gonna do that differently in the future once I can get out of dodge.

Seriously I thought this was going to be the answer to so many things, but really its only answered the $ question, and really looking back...how important is that?  Eh, really its been a godsend, and I'm thankful now that I did make the best decision for me at the time.

It also answered the question, although I never knew the question existed, was what was missing from my life.  Only until I left to find that, did I realize I was leaving it all behind.

Hindsight.

Obviously spend a LOOOOOOOOOOT more time with family; now that my niece has moved closer into Htown proper, it would be easier.

Also continue with my fitness journey OUTSIDE of running.  I am really loving all the new things I am trying now that marathon training has gone bye-bye for good ;o)

So much to do, so little time...

Now onwards and upwards!!!!!!!!!!



Ghosts of Christmas Present

 

And so we have Christmas Present.

Or in my case, I would say the past decade.  That along with now, thats my 'present'.

 

Its the time where I began to heal, even through the times of loss, confusion, and tribulation.  I began dealing with the highs, and certainly the lows through new eyes, a new head and certainly a new spirit.

 

Part of me wonders if I would have begun to come into my own had I not gotten sick, quit drinking, and started running?

 

Who knows, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and for me that reason was a renewed sense of life.

 

In watching Scrooged, during the visit of Christmas present, I had to look inside, and while not anywhere near the despair that Francis had in the movie, there are certainly parts of my present that are not ideal.

 

My present is primarily awesome.  I am closer than ever to my family, even though I live so far away.  We have a new bundle of joy coming in just a couple of months.  I have a great job.  I make a lot of money.  I have a great house even though its drafty which makes for some cursing when I have to get up in the morning and its negative a billion degrees outside ;)

 

I have only 3 years left before I am completely debt free, including student loans!

So yeah, my Christmas present is a-ok.

Except that I completely misjudged this whole moving away from 'home' thing.

Last time I did that I was 25 and couldn't wait to get away from my life there; past relationships, mom and dad..everything.  A new adventure.  And it was wonderful.

But I was 25.

This time around I was 49.  Things in the couple of years leading up to that weren't great, still running from a relationship that left me feeling less than whole.  While I was doing OK, a little distance would even be better right?

Yeah.  And no.

The lure of an adventure, away from the suffocating heat of Texas, what was a dead end job, making a lot less than I had for years..and this job with its reputation as a company, signing bonus, moving me...a 2 year contract...how bad can it be?

Well while it is not 'bad', I miss home something awful.  I mean like AWFUL AWFUL.

I miss shopping, movies, any kind of food you can long for.  I miss being able to wear shorts to run in 365 days a year; or at least 360 days a year ;)

I miss my family being an hour away.  I miss my friends, both running and non-running.  I miss my running group.  Those early Saturday morning long runs.

Races with actual timing.
Whataburger.

The weather here is brutal.  While yes, the no humidity thing is a godsend, the rest of it just sucks.  Wind, wind and more wind.  SO COLD 9 months out of the year. 

Sure the money is awesome, but I now often wonder, how important is that in life?  Yes I have socked away a lot...I don't long for anything that I may want or need.  Its going to look great on my resume...how important is that anyway at my age???

So my present, while I am SO much better off than I have ever been in all the ways that count, I am not happy.

I thought I might try and get my re-do on my failed 'last' marathon ever in 2014, but it cannot be my focus.  My focus on 2014 is to get back to where I am happiest.  The last place I thought that might actually be:

Texas.




Ghosts of Christmas Past

 

This post may be a downer for some, but its real life.  And something I've been giving a lot of thought to..and its not like I haven't been 'educated' on how cleansing this might be ... after all these years of just keeping secrets about something so deep, so dark, so personal...

***********************************

There is so much about me that no one really knows about.

Mostly about the 'ghosts' or 'demons' of my past; that semi-defined my life, up to a point I suppose. And to this day, still haunt me but I am much better at understanding and realizing that because of those of those things, not in spite of them, I have come to this place.

This place in my life where I've matured even beyond what I would have ever imagined, but yet still so very young. At least in my body, mind and spirit.

Yes my biological age is a number I don't necessarily equate with young, but it certainly isn't old either.

 

This past weekend, as I was watching Scrooged, I began to think about my own past, present and future. And figured I should write ... I'm not going to lie, some of this might not set well with anyone who might read it (I realize I've lost readership through my semi-retirement from this blog); but maybe that's a good thing.

It's no secret that I've had in my past the things that made me struggle with weight, eating disorderish type behavior.

Wait, lets stop right there. Maybe its obvious to those that actually know me IRL, but I've strugged with an eating disorder my entire life.

 

Sometimes it would be worse than other times, but still there nonetheless.  Not in a 'traditional' sense or anything like that...most people associate ED with anorexia or bulimia, but those were neither of my demons.  I will write more on this at a later time, but its now there for now;

 

I also suffer from body dysmorphia.  If I remember right, I've written about this before here...

 

Both of these are a direct reflexion of a 'ghost'; from early childhood through 9th grade or so and well, continues to this day.  I just have a realization of it now that helps me not be destructive with my thoughts or actions.

 

And another 'ghost' of past, is actually something that had a direct correlation to probably the weight/eating issues I've suffered since.

 

As a child I was sexually abused.  I don't remember at what age it started, but I do remember when it ended.  More or less.  I couldn't recite what grade or age, or anything like that.  I shut it out of my mind for so long, but then bits and pieces would come back. 

I was clearly still too young to realize the horror of it all, so when it stopped it just stopped. 

This was WAY before 'stranger danger' and all the television shows...and where people actually warned children at every turn about what wasn't right...or even if a family member or friend...Wasn't right and you should tell someone.

I can still clearly remember incidents though, almost as if a dream...but they were real.  And the conversations around this were very real once the 3 of us realized we weren't alone.

 

Several years back it was discovered that not only myself, but my sister, and my niece as well.  So basically it stopped for my sister when it started with me, and then it ended with me when it started with my niece.

And no, we never told anyone.

 

Then the nightmare was over.

I sometimes still think about these incidents...and how they've shaped me into the person I was; and who I am still becoming.  They have MUCH less of an impact on me as I've gotten older other than sometimes I regret that especially the abuse one, it possibly kept me from ever really becoming able to seal the deal on getting married and having kids.  I don't really know about that last part though... LOL ... kids?  Ummm...

Don't get me wrong, I love babies and kids...I have a maternal side, but I am also extremely selfish, and then there is the whole sub-issue of the weight/body thing..that also, as much as I hate to admit it, was always in the back of my mind whenever the subject of kids ever came up in a few of my engagements to be married.  Yeah, didn't you know?  Engaged 5 times, and 5 times I backed out.

So yeah to say I have some ghosts that for so long I only dealt with in the way of too many men, too much alcohol, too many drugs and overall self-destructive behavior is an understatement.  Thankfully though, through the past decade, other than a very bad self destructive relationship for a couple of years, I'm definitely better.

That 'relationship' was the last of the self destructive behavior though. That one was rough and I struggled really badly through that. Being sober and clean finally while dealing with crisis was ROUGH. I mean rough beyond anything I ever want to experience again.

I still have issues with that every once in a while.  No where near what it use to be.  Shortly after my mom died, the last thread of that relationship and unfortunately any chance of lasting friendship died as well.

This time though it was painless.  Even after all the lies and accusations from their side, which were so far-fetched even I couldn't believe them..LOL..I just laughed most of the time, and now almost 3 years later, I only sometimes wish I could call him up and just chat.  Seems like it only occurs during the holidays now...

Going through my mom dying was something that was also new to me and so so so so painful.  When my dad was diagnosed and died within a year of cancer, I dealt that in the old way.  When it was mom's turn...whoa.

That was brutal.

I've been a master and hiding, fleeing, lying and burying...only to let a chosen few in on some of my ghosts, but clearly no where near the what I would consider the worst of them...

Bet you can't wait for Ghosts of Christmas Present right?



We Got Above Zero Today!!!

It's been below zero for what seems like forever (it's 7 right now real temp) either real temps and certainly wind chill!  Was -30 one night w the wind.  Clearly I've been running on treadmill but as soon as it gets above 20 we'll be on the road again :). They say Tuesday but we'll see; hopefully they are right. I'd like to get my 12 miler in outside this week if at all possible. 

Stay warm!

The Is Reality Where I Live -27 Wind Chill

I felt like I was gonna freeze in my tracks and getting out of the car this morning?  Quite possibly the hardest thing EVER.  :)