Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Clap Along If You Can ... If That's What You Wanna Do...

 Even the Minions and Pharrell could only make me happy for short periods of time...While I lived up in NE.

I cannot really remember how long it was, but if I had to guess it was about September (and for sure right after Chicago) of last year when things got progressively worse. The Summer for NE was ending and well Fall in NE is even colder than the Winter of Texas. Ugh.
I started spiraling about that time I suppose. I was also nearing the end of the long arduous marathon training cycle (alone not to mention the disaster that trip turned out to be)...and I was just OVER. IT. Just a bad idea all the way around for someone like me. To train for a marathon up in small ass town in the middle of nowhere to start with...anyway things just got progressively worse for me.
I realize now that had I gone to a doctor I am pretty certain I would have been diagnosed with some level of depression. I won't even say it was S.A.D. (seasonal disorder) because it wasn't just that. I had become to loathe anything and everything about where I was, AND where I WASN'T (Texas).  At least I think I may have; some of the symptoms were there.  Maybe it was just S.A.D.  I am just thankful I never resorted to drug therapy.  It just took a little willpower and me, myself and I to make everything happy again.
I realized how much I was sleeping and how much I wasn't doing. I went to work, then ran after or worked out, whether inside or outside, came home, ate, watch TV, go to bed. And the weekends werent much more than that since really all there was to do was go to the grocery store and geez that takes like an hour. Movies are only at night and there are only 2 screens and 1 side was ALWAYS a kid movie, and only sometimes did they have R rated movies and only on one screen at 9pm. So allllllllllllllll of that greatly reduces what movies came to Sidney.
I had a few friends, but the overwhelming majority of them had husbands and kids...and the only one that didn't, well she was as recluse as I was becoming so we only saw each other at the gym or out running.
So needless to say my weekends were spent indoors as well even if it wasn't cold out.  What else was there to do????  Ugh I cringe just thinking about it even now.
And since I mentioned it let me give you a peek into that. My first Winter there I think I was still in honeymoon or yay its actually Winter here mode...or something. I don't know. What I DO know is that this last Winter broke me. Like broke me into a million gazillion pieces. Let's see the coldest we got, WITHOUT THE WIND CHILL, a couple of mornings in a row it was NEGATIVE 28 degrees, close to NEGATIVE 50 with the wind. And THAT also fried my battery finally. It was fine when the wind chill was in the 20's but after 2 days of the extreme EXTREME stuff I guess it just couldnt take it anymore. THIS was in early MARCH. Even the week after I left which was April 26, they had snow (measurable) twice in that following week. I am CERTAIN had I still been there, I would probably have been pushed over the ledge.
Anyway, anyone that is on my Facebook or Twitter knows the trials of the weather I have had to endure and honestly who can go out in THAT? Who would WANT TO? Well so yeah, that was 9 months basically of being trapped inside a house. So more eating. More sleeping. More watching TV.
Not exactly good for the mind, the body OR the soul. Now that I am home, I love the feel of the heat. The humidity. All of it. And yeah I might get tired of it at some point, but all I will have to do to snap myself back to reality is to remember what I went through. Seriously its shit you can't forget. Seriously. :O)
I was slowly crumbling into a horrible depressed mess. Coupled with that I missed my family, my friends, my old life. And as much as I would have LOVED to have met the man of my dreams up there, that didn't happen and it wasn't going to. I figured that out early on..Ha! Anyway, there are some other things that added to it all; some I don't really want to go into just yet mainly because it might seem as if I am pointing fingers or being mean and that wasn't the case.
I am even still dealing with some of that after returning home so again I'll stay quiet on that for now. I will say that I'm a little disappointed in humans in general. Why have so many become only interested in communication non-communicatingly?? LOL, I know that is not a word, but seriously. I guess I am just old fashioned. I still want to TALK to a person. I still want CONTACT. Not just following a persons life on Facebook to know they are OK and that be enough. Like I said...another day maybe I will go into that more.
When I came home at Christmas, I chalked my crying at the drop of a hat, for ANY reason, up to hormones. But now, looking back yet another sign I was in a clinically depressed state I believe. My family thought it quite funny, so I did from time to time, but now I know it wasn't funny.
Which is why in January I came home again with no hesitation, and then again 6 weeks later in March for an entire week...and then well I posted right after that because I was ending the blog. I had to put my entire focus on getting back. I just couldn't take it anymore.
And well since I've been back? Its been a full month now and I am HAPPY to say that in 4 weeks I've taken exactly ONE nap which was this past Sunday. I still get up around 5 (waking up naturally), but my going to bed time is no longer 8:30 or 9 like in NE, but more closer to 10:30ish.  I just have more energy and more oomph!  Its actually quite wonderful and there are times where I am like please don't get dark, please don't get dark!  I don't want this day to end!!!! 
When I have said a couple of times in my posts about being just 'more active naturally', by that I mean a) I'm not sleeping like Rip Van Winkle, and b) my free time is spent going here, going there, walking to this place, walking around that place. Sitting outside, a festival, doing stuff with a relative or friend. Just NATURALLY active i.e. not laying around inside a house because its so cold you cant or too windy so you cant, or you cant because THERE ISNT ANYTHING TO DO unless you drive 2-5 hours away. Oy.
You get the picture. In addition to doing my normal active stuff: run, weights etc., I am not being a lazy ass bum. Not that there isn't anything wrong with that, but you know what I mean. :O)
Actually probably should not try to do ALL the things ALL the times :O) I sometimes forget I'm not home visiting and I don't have to go go go because I'm here now and its OK to relax and take some down time. Its just that I feel like I missed out on SO much that I want to soak up every thing that I can.
I would even venture to state that something else that has helped me with my 'mood' is the access to all the amazing food! I could do multiple posts about the lack of decent food options in Sidney, and I am not talking about restaurants even though yes, that was a problem in of itself, but with only a Walmart and a can imagine. PLUS being up there, the amount of decent fresh food is VERY limited. Disgusting actually. I basically didn't have anything other than chicken for 2 years. Certainly NO seafood. That frozen franken-fish crap is D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G.  And the veggies..oy.  At least in the Summer, the Farmers Market would have decent.  And Safeway was better than Walmart but OH SO EXPENSIVE.
A couple of times I did buy good seafood when I made the trip to Whole Foods in Ft. Collins or Boulder but that was FAR AND FEW trips.
Anyway I am certain that all the fresh options I have now are greatly helping me mentally and physically. I feel so great with good things in my body!!
I am not one to go out and eat at all; I am perfectly fine cooking up delicious food at home, but you know just having OPTIONS makes me happy. If I DO want sushi, or I DO want a hamburger, or anything else then I know I can go to any number of places to get anything or everything I want anytime I want. And I mean literally ANY OF THE TIMES! Houston or Katy for that matter, doesn't shut down at 6pm every night!!! LOL.
I LOOOOOOOOVE my new place (reminds me of my loft I had downtown but a lot bigger), and the kitchen in it is fab fab fab!!!  So I've had a lot of fun preparing foodz :O)
And last, but certainly not least, there is my FAMILY. Everyone is within either 1 minute or 1 hour now and its so fantastic I just can't even believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I see my niece quite often for obvious reasons (we are 2 miles from each other), but even if I can't see my sister every day (nor do I want to ;o) hahaha!, its OK. Just KNOWING I could see anyone and everyone at the drop of a hat raises my mood to elevations beyond anything I could ever have imagined I would feel.
I mean oh my goodness have you seen my Tucker???  He makes my heart sing and just burst into a gazillion pieces any time I see him or even just a picture of him!!!
That HAT!!!  Tucker's hat NOT Brandons!  LOL

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