Monday, October 21, 2013

Checking Your Ego (aka Feeling Like Crap After Running a Marathon Because You Did the 'Right' Thing)

While it sounds good, and maybe even feels good (to some people), this is not the case with me.
I feel horrible for feeling this way, most of the time anyway...and even 8 days later after the marathon, I am still bitter.
I've at least realized that I cannot blame the other person on the finishing time, because at the end of the day, it was me who decided to do the event with her before it even started and continued to stay with her throughout.
There were a few times, OK more than a few times where I wanted to just leave her, but then something would make me just suck it up knowing full well that I was going to not be happy at all with my decision.
I think I was mostly OK with it up until late Monday afternoon.  Then I was just angry and bitter and I wanted nothing more than to just be alone, or at the very least, not with this person.
I was blaming her, and well, as I said, I now realize that was wrong.
I am so mad at myself for going into this and ending up with a time that most definitely does not match up to the effort I put in training.
While I did have some challenges, at the end of the day, I did every single long run and clocked the early morning before work miles, etc.
She did not.
Even though there were a couple of weeks where she couldn't run due to injury there were plenty of opportunities where she could have, but 'being an ultra-runner, my goals are different than yours'.
Oh how I should have listened more carefully to those words.

Its true you know.  Ultra runners could care less about time for the most part.  They are more about the experience regardless of how long it takes them to get there.

And thats fine.

If you are an ultra runner.

I am not an ultra runner.  Nor do I ever care to be.  I do not and will not ever understand that mindset.

Or that desire.

Or level of crazy :)

While I said it was my last marathon, I would be lying if I didn't tell you I searched for a marathon anywhere near me over the course of 3 weeks.  This would give me time to recover, use it as taper and go do a marathon and post a time that I know would be at least 30 min shorter, if not more.

But the only thing was Denver RnR and that was yesterday.  Which would have been one week post Chicago.

It would have been a disaster obviously, so that wasn't an option.  Even if it had been 2 weeks post Chicago, I would have gone and done it!  I knew several people from here either doing the half or the full.

Now there just arent any due to the weather being so unpredictable here as we never know when ice and snow will hit; even in October.

So here I sit, still upset by my decisions and nothing I can do about it.

I made a huge, huge mistake.  Now I wonder... WILL I try and recapture my deflated ego and go out with a # I am capable of?  I cannot rest easy with this.

Believe me I have tried...

I will write more about specifics in the 'event' report (I refuse to call this a race this time around...)  There were SO many times I started to just keep going and not stop...and you'll read about them all :O)

Yes, I had 2 rough miles there around 18, but then I was fine; what could have been is now just a what if.

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone.  Especially if you have one bone in your body that is competitive.  And especially if you put the work in, then you should reap what you sow.


Jim said...

There is a couple of marathons in KS on Nov 9th(Lenexa) and 24th (Overland Park)?

Junie B said...

I actually saw those Jim when I was hunting around. However both of those are over 9 hour drives from where I live :O( Was looking for something more like in the 3 hour drive range :)

TXSongBird said...

Hugs to you. I can completely understand the emotions that you are feeling in this post. I am somewhat confused about the ultra runner mentality myself as I am embarking on my first ultra soon but I still hope to have a decent time for a marathon distance. Choosing to do someone else's race with them is just that- THEIR race, not yours. I hope that you will not end your marathon career with such a bitter taste in your mouth. You need to run a race that is YOURS. Your last marathon. I hope you can find one near you. Lots and lots of hugs. I know you worked hard for this and you deserve to reap the benefits.

TX Runner Mom said...

I do understand this! My first NYC was my 2nd marathon and was my PW. I was running it with my friend who is very laid back and was not concerned with her time. She was also nursing an injury, which meant she had to stop and stretch every few miles. For the first 15 miles, I was okay with that. But by mile 22, I was sooo stinkin tired of walking and stopping. I left her in Harlem and by then it was too late to improve my time. I ended with a 6+ hour marathon and I still think about that. I felt bad for leaving her at mile 22, but sometimes it is about running your own race. I probably would not have PRed back then, but I know I would have finished at what I considered a much more respectable time. Hugs to you!