I actually came back on to blogger to delete the previous post...then I remembered how many times I have done that before and you know what?  So some people get offended or their feelings hurt...it may or may not be warranted...but at the end of the day, every day is not rainbows and unicorns...some days its piles of shit, bad hair cuts and road side bombs...

Right now I am sad...I am bitter...I am angry...My mom, my last remaining parental unit is dying and I will be damned if I apologize or recant anything that I may or may not say...so ...

Thats that...

Oh and I ran 4 miles this morning before work...didnt want to but I did it.

This Might Not Go Over So Well...

But I am just going to get it out....I dont mean any disrespect even though thats generally what I tend to get...

If you ask me questions about...oh I dont know...about the NYC marathon...the course, the lodging, the subway, the logistical nightmare before and after...and I tell you everything I know...and still you disregard my thoughts as 'eh it cant be that tough, she's just a middle of the pack kinda runner; I'm better than that,so I dont have to worry about any of that'...and just to be clear, this was not everyone I know that ran NYC yesterday, but applying to some, not all.

Well all I can say is...now you wish you would have listened to me right?  I am seeing FB posts out there from some people that I KNOW did exactly that.  And to be also followed with 'my first and last time running the NYC marathon' (on their FB status').

There has ALWAYS been the debate on whether NYC or Boston is tougher...I dont know since I havent done Boston, but I can tell you one thing...AGAIN...that NYC is not easy; its fun (after you get past the 5hours of waiting in the cold to start, and the 1.5 miles walk OUT of Central Park after you finish).  

If you dont train right and you dont do hill training, unless you are just THAT good (skinnyrunner :)), you're gonna be wishing you were back on flat land down here in the Texas heat.  From what I am reading outside of SR and my friend Cyndy (also a midpack girl like me  YAY CYNDY!!!  you did everything right girl !!!  so happy you got that PR and that first sub 5!!!), everyone else hated it.  Why?  Various reasons that I can see.  Things that they might not have taken me seriously on...because you know...I'm slow(er) so what could I possibly know?  Did you think I was just making things up to make myself look crazy?

I know a lot of people are whining and crying today over their time, over the logistics of it all, being cold waiting, etc...I think mine went so well is because I knew everything about that course and the experience MONTHS before I got there.  I was ready for anything it could throw at me.  I did my research and my homework.  Too much to do for a marathon?  I think not. 

It just irritates the crap out of me when people ask, but dont listen, and who go into a situation thinking they are the bees knees and then cry and whine over the things they had control over but just decided to do things as they always do.  By the seat of their pants and their 'I know everything about everything' attitude.

We were trying to look up some times on the computer yesterday at the Locker, when one 'person' who works there also who...and I dont know if this is true because I really dont believe most of what comes out of her mouth...but something was said about NYC is tough...and she whipped around and scoffed "New York isnt hard.  I did it back in my prime and it was a piece of cake."... Really?  I hear a lot about this race or that race but I sure dont see any proof of any of that...and the fact that SHE called it "piece of cake" makes it even more suspect.  I just responded with "oh wait...i'm sorry...tough for SOME people.  Apparently not you".  If there is one thing that gets me is when someone is flippant about something as tough as a marathon...any marathon.  Especially this person...like I said..I hear a lot of 'stories' but things just don't add up...

So...the next time one of these people ask me something about whatever, guess what?

Yep.  You got it.

And while we're at it...because I am on a roll today, and because recently I tried to say this but was quickly and rudely I might add, cut off/interuptted...and again this doesnt apply to skinnyrunner, but heres a thought...maybe running less or training CORRECTLY might give a lot of people different end results...I'm just sayin'.  You know what they call doing the same thing over and over again with the same results right...?

And also...now where has all your great and knowing knowledge gotten you?  That's what you get for being rude to me like I am some idiot that doesnt have good sense about her when it comes to running and training. 

Sorry about your race....not.

Yes, I'm still Alive...

Did 15 miles on Saturday.  It wasnt great, but it was better than the previous week in terms of how the legs felt.  The route was a full 16 miles, but I cut a mile off at the end opting to run straight back to base instead of going all the way around the park.

The main reason for this was after about mile 9 my mind turned to other things and all I could think about was getting back to my car.  And here is why.

I know I havent talked much about my mom lately, but heres the low down.  We've had hospice now for almost 6 weeks.  Her room at home is nothing but a hospital room complete with everything you would see in any hospital room in a normal hospital.

On Friday, early evening I get a message from my sister.  Things have gone over the weeks from some good days some bad.  The past week its been mostly bad.  The hospice people and the infectious disease doc told her on Friday that its almost time and there is nothing more that they can do.  At this point there is no time frame, its day to day and she could go at any moment without some of the usual outward signs.  On Friday when I got the message, there wasnt any indication that she would make it through the night.

My plan, was to run early, and get it out of the way and get out there as fast as I could.  This is why I was anxious to be done.  The closer I got to base, the more I just wanted it to be done.  Obvious I would think.  And I suppose some might question my decision to run in the first place, and believe me I fought with that decision, but I did what I thought was ok to do.  What she would have wanted.  And deep down I knew that she was going to hold on for a bit longer..

I did indeed make it out there in time, getting there right about 10am, and thanks to an IV for hydration she was at least opening her eyes.  And when she saw me, she definitely knew who I was.

We are reduced to feeding her and giving her juice through syringes.  When she'll let us.

I ended up staying all day and all night and just thankful that she made it through another day.  At the writing of this, she is still with us.

The question is:  How much longer?

Its heartbreaking I tell you.  Just unbelievably heartbreaking. 

In regards to going through with doing the full marathon at Houston, I am still on the fence.  During the run yesterday I had issues with my back and my ankles both.  Not to mention right now, I dont have my speed back that I had when I was training for Chicago.  I am at the point where I have to decide whether I go through with it and deal with a not so good time at the end; not to mention all the stress of more long runs between now and January 8th...or do I just switch to the half and relax, give the legs the rest that they clearly need and go for a huge PR.  I dont think the big PR for the half distance will come at White Rock, but you never know.  I suspect with things the way they are with my mom, there will be some training time lost here in the near future.  At this point I will be waiting until my next long run which is 2 Saturdays from now before making my final decision.

Thats all for now...its all I've got...

Monday:  5 miles - before work run
Tuesday:  no morning run due to pouring down rain...90 min hot yoga after work
Wednesday: 6 miles (in the cold, rain and wind I might add)...fought with myself on whether to wuss out and do it on the treadmill, but then I remembered I am not that girl ;)  EDIT:  so glad I did that...best/fastest/strongest run since Chicago!

Thursday (to do):  4 mile run (treadmill); 40 min weights work, then head to yoga studio for 90 min of hot yoga
Friday:  SRD
Saturday: 16/17 miles
Sunday: SRD

Sittin' in the parkin' lot...Got my finger on the 'Trigger'...

...thats the 'hook' from one of my still all time favorite songs by BJenkins...

Recently I wrote about my 'situation' with long term effects of mom/middle school 'abuse' to my never-ending hatred of my body/poor body image/distorted body image...whatever you want to call it..  Well never-ending might be too strong of a word, but if I had to guess, its like 5 out of 7 days of the week...and the 'level' of 'hatred' varies as well.

If you missed that little gem I wrote...go here...Price of Admission; This Ain't No Fairy Tale

Since writing that, nothing has changed really...in all honesty I would have to say it may, depending on the day and who you ask...have gotten worse?  Some days are definitely worse...

There are so many different triggers it is not even funny.  It could be something as simple as phone calls that never come, from anyone...not one person in particular.  Generally it is...but not always.

It could be something like a photo of another person you can't fucking stand for various reasons, and they look incredible (and you know they are because of their OWN eating disorder...shhh...its a 'secret')... Gag me; everyone knows little miss perfect that you portray yourself to be...well not EVERYONE...anyway, I digress...

It could be something like catching a reflection of myself in the theatre doors at the River Oaks theatre as I run past and seeing something 'move'...that shouldnt 'move'...

It could be something like just looking at your hot yoga teacher who is 50 and looks freaking amazing...and you KNOW you dont look like that...

It can be that your HS reunion came a year early and you didnt want to go because who cares they are all fat now and you arent and now YOU have a leg up and yeah...maybe you forgave them in HS and were all buddy buddy, but you hate them for what they did to you in middle school...when YOU were the fat one...because now...older...wiser...you realize the damage it REALLY did to you...you overlooked it in HS to be popular and fit in...I could have went and had them oooh and aaah like they do on Facebook about how great I look and how they let themselves go...but like I said...why bother for a bunch of people that I don't even like...and who, for lack of a better word, bullied me for 3 years...

It could be because you read this and found out a new word "thinspo" and googled it and then you thought..hmmm..why didnt I know about this before?  Did I follow links once I googled?  Yes.  Link after link after link...this is not good people...not good at all...

Or maybe its all the damn shows I DVR from What's Eating You to the Portia deRossi interview on Oprah about the gut wretching illness she had with an eating disorder (and being a lesbian)...Even though I sat there so in shock and awe at her truths, and thinking how God awful she looked at her thinnest (82lbs at 5'7), I felt fat when it was over...

This morning...before I was getting dressed for work, I pulled out 2 pairs of shorts...my 'skinny' shorts I call them.  Putting these on...when I do this...is the gauge of how my day will go.  Usually.  They both fit as I like them too (although looser would be better obviously), and I got dressed with a bit of relief knowing that today was going to be an OK day thanks to those shorts.

It hasn't been.  Googling 'thinspo' was the worst thing I could have done.  I knew better, yet I did it.

There are days...not many... but more and more recently where I think "if I quit running, I wouldnt have to eat as much, then I could finally get skinny"...

I know ... at the deepest level ... that this is indeed all in my head and because of my past ... but if any of you have had any sort of 'disorder' you know as well as I do, how real it all feels and seems...no matter what anyone says...

Not such a sunshiney post now is it...Sorry...Nobodys perfect...even though they may look like it...

Product Review - Sweaty Bands!!!!

Random pic of packaging for Sweaty Bands stolen from skinnyrunner :O)

You can (kinda) see the sparkly purple one I got in Chicago here in this pic;
you can see the silver sparkly one in my Houston Half pics as well

I have tried just about every single kind of 'band' known to woman.

I have the Adidas ones, the Nike ones, the wide Nike ones, Bondi Bands, every day common drug store ones...you name it and I either tried it and sorta like it, or tried it and was handed a big FAIL!

I had heard of Sweaty Bands somewhere on the radar (probably on some blog), but never really gave it much thought to be honest.  Of all the ones I had tried the Nike wider bands and the Bondi Bands (which are wide as well) were the only things that really helped keep the hair and sweat in check while running.  All the others just were hanging like discarded rubbish on a clip in the bathroom.  Such pretty colors too.. what a waste.

Anyway fast forward to Chicago Marathon expo...we are walking around and lo and behold there was a huge booth with sooooooooooo many beeeeeeeeeeeeuteefull headbands, I was mesmerized...ESPECIALLY because there were SPARKLY ones!!!!  and they were skinny ones too!!!  As we were ooh-ing and ahh-ing, I was sad because I knew they were just that.  Pretty.  And sparkly.  They would be just like all the others and either pop off my head within minutes or at the very least, make the slow gradual descent to the back of my head before falling off the back of it.

After hearing many around me saying how FANTASTIC they were, and there was nothing like them, I had to give one a try on at the very least right?  I picked up the sparkly purple one and a wider one that was like purple bandana.  Hey, I like purple.  :O)

OMG.

It was tight.  It was flat against my head and no matter how much (or how hard) I shook my head up and down, side to side and jumping up and down, IT.DID.NOT.MOVE.

OMG.

must. have.

At $15 (for the skinny ones) and $18 (for the wider ones) they are not cheap :O( 

But I just couldnt pick ONE!  I splurged for 2, which really not knowing how they would hold up on a run, let alone a hot/sweaty marathon, I should have only bought the one.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I bought 2!! 

Everyone knows how hot and sweaty the Chicago marathon was by now, but let me tell you, that purple sparkly head band NEVER moved an inch.  It was fantastic I tell you!  I have now worn them in hot yoga (are you kidding me it still doesnt move!!??)..and on training runs and in the gym.

I have since bought 2 more online here ; thats the skinny metallic (sparkly) ones that I love, and NOW I just saw that where I work sometimes on the weekends (Lukes Locker) now carries them!!!  So I got 2 more sparkly ones (1 pink, 1 gold) this weekend (much better deal for me w no shipping and my discount too!!)

If you ever have had issues with headbands for either working out, running or just to be cute, these are your savior headbands I do believe!  I have since thrown out all those others that I had ('cept I did keep the Bondi Bands and the Nike wide ones, because a)they're expensive and b) they do work)...I just like the prettier ones..the Bondi Bands are good because they will also cover your ears if need be in cooler temps.

Sweaty Bands rock the hizzle fo shizzle yo!

Baby Got Back (Issues...again)

I have reinjured my left lower back again...I dont know how really, but its been slowly hurting more and more and this morning it was full on pain (I hope the hot yoga is not the culprit but I may take off from that this week; we'll see how I feel tomorrow as I have a class tomorrow night).  Thankfully, if you remember, this does not affect my running, so I was out the door in the once again HOT and HUMID weather that has blasted upon us yet again...Seriously?  Its November 1 and its 72deg and 90+humidity?  Gah!  Oh well, cold front is coming and looks to be stellar weather for at least the next 7 days with much cooler temps and even some rain!  We havent had rain since September 19th they said on the news this morning.  

When I first started this morning I ran about 100m and almost turned around.  Everything was just not feeling right.  But I figured that I would run to the one corner where I have the option of making it 2 miles if I was still feeling crappy or keep going and it would be my normal 4.5-5 miles.

I kept going.  :O)

Yesterday I was going to do just a quick 3 miler but opted to sleep in instead and I had to get ready to work at the Locker and we were dressing up so that was going to take more time since I didnt know about this until Saturday and needed to try on a few things to see what I liked better.  I used the wig, fishnets and glasses I had used for the Lady Gaga concert and then made myself into Marathon Gaga.  :O)  Everyone loved it and I was told I was by far the best outfitted :O)  A reason to wear a bunch of medals?  Sure thing!  I used my short black Nike running skirt and a see through body suit that had fringe all down the arms and across the bust line.  Very Gaga-esque.  Ish.  It was fun working at the store with everyone dressed up and we had the RnR peeps there for sign ups for regional RnR half and full marathons which gave $10 off, a CUTE tshirt (for the girls) and a PF Changs gift card.  We also had the Brooks double decker mobile bus there for gait analysis...twas a lot of fun.

Saturday:  I had wanted to do 15miles.  Not quite at 3 weeks since Chicago marathon and with my longest being 10miles (last weekend) and that was sliced up around the half marathon relay, coach had told me to see how I felt after 10.  I started early with the KreW and pretty much ran way too fast so early on (easy to do with the nice 50+deg weather) and this got me late in the run.  I had done 4+ miles before starting with the group, and even on the group start I found myself running too fast.  When I got to 4 miles and saw Kelly going back the other way, I turned also.  I slowed down quite a bit, made it back to base, got some fluid and started the Snover/Jackson Hill loops.  Ended up with just shy of 14 miles.  Good enough.  Having to work at Lukes later probably didnt help much with my tired factor come Sunday morning, but I am happy with the long run. 

This coming Saturday trying for 16...I am, about every other day, considering dropping to the half for Houston.  Won't make that decision until November 20 when my next 20 miler is scheduled for, to see how that goes.

I've been in various stages of marathon training since August 2009.  I am just really tired.